It works in relationships, too. Do you want devotion? To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth, click here. Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6, middle-aged adults. After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married.
Relationships are challenging over the long term. So you want someone who has stick-to-itiveness. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. Marriage has plenty of trying situations. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work. Alright, so all these fancy studies have a lot to say. But can they predict who will split up?
And the formula is quite simple…. Just ask a couple about their relationship. Yup, that simple. After assessing fifty-two couples based on their oral history interviews, the psychologists Kim Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz at the University of Washington found that the way spouses described their history predicted whether they would get divorced within the next three years with 94 percent accuracy.
So what differs between the stories told by the happy couples and the not-so-happy couples? Again, everyone experiences conflict.
It was awful. In fact, my partner is awful. Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. Then, the question becomes: how do they talk about it? Some couples find a way to glorify it. To talk about how it brought them together. Nobody is happy on mile 20 of the marathon. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter.
And those are the stories that happy couples tell. To learn the recipe for a happy marriage, click here. Love is a challenge. When we don't feel good about something, we don't want others to know, even if it's completely harmless. Randy Z. Depending on the day, he was spending up to four hours at a bathhouse, enjoying hot tubs, cold pools, and saunas while chatting with other patrons.
While the trips to the spa were entirely harmless, he didn't think his wife would understand the draw, which is why he chose to keep it from her to avoid having her make jokes at his expense. The experts say that Randy's decision to lie is caused by a feeling many people have towards their significant others at some point in the relationship-that he or she simply won't understand or accept us for the realities of who we truly are.
While most couples really do want to be honest with each other, almost everyone ends up lying to their partner at one point or another. They are intimate and private topics and, to some people, they can be the most embarrassing things to talk about," she explains.
This was the case for Eric S. Some secrets are kept with the best intentions, as one partner is trying to protect his or her significant other from a hurtful truth. Sharing your life with someone means being honest, especially regarding anything that can affect the health of your relationship. Do you struggle with a mental illness, have trust issues, or a history of STDs? These are the things you want to share — even if it feels scary.
Once you air all your "dirty" laundry, your partner can start getting to know the real you and trust can be built. Which, of course, is the opposite of what will happen if you lie and make a habit of keeping secrets. Read on for some more secrets that can cause problems in your relationship.
While it's obviously OK to have close friendships, take note of any that seem to be overstepping the bounds of your relationship. Allowing people into your life — perhaps in the form of an emotional affair — can cause a lot of pain. But, as Boissiere tells me, keeping it a secret can be even worse. Not only does it prevent you from discussing any underlying issues at hand, but the secret can and will fracture that all-important trust.
With the stigma surrounding mental illness, you might find it difficult to talk to your partner about any issues you have. And it is very painful to be the spouse or partner who is constantly being betrayed. Well done! Well said! I thought our relationship would get better. I fooled myself. A while ago I shared a very deep emotional hurt I suffered when I was teen. Since then I not share my emotions with him. Our communication is dying.
I need to move on. Thankyou so much for this article. For a long time I have been battling with trust issues with my wife after I found she was telling me series of lies to cover up an addiction of hers. I thought I was over reacting but after reading this I find I am quite normal to feel the way I do. I have accepted her addiction and support her because what she dose is not that serious or life threatening, as long as she is safe.
Still hurts that she still keeps this to herself even though I have told her I am O. K with it and it would help me if she was more open. It is so hurtful. As a person suffering from depression and anxiety, this was just a mean thing to do. Hi, just reading this too and a word of help… he needs to tell you exactly what the secrets are.
Tell him you will walk if he doesnt. I learned that any man worth staying for if he loves you, will then tell you whatever you need to know and do what you say. You need to know so you can begin to trust again if he did something wrong. Hope that helps. Stay strong, it will get better!! It is now 5 years since I unraveled the secret and the wound is as fresh as yesterday. I am so heart broken. Am now living like he does not exist in my life at all. Thank you,what an interesting article,iam in an 8 months relationship,and i got engaged 3 months back,but what iam experiencing in this relationship is betrayal.
This is a very great lesson. For me, keeping secrets is very harmful to any healthy relationship.
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